Find out what one should
look for in a prospective wife.
When seriously considering marriage, you must
pose the question to yourself as to just what
kind of wife you want, what her qualities should
be in order to establish an Islamic and peaceful
household, and how you will know who she is.
All praise is due to Allaah, Lord of the worlds,
the Merciful, the Hearer of supplications, and
peace and blessings upon our beloved and humble
prophet Muhammad,and upon his family and
companions.
When marriage is spoken of during these "modern"
times, Muslims become horrified, conjuring
images of an arranged marriage, trying to find
that "perfect" companion, how much of a
financial burden it will become, and so on. The
reality is that Islam came to solve these
problems, not exacerbate them, yet unfortunately
we have integrated our local traditions and
customs with Islam so that marriage has become a
major concern for a man rather than a delightful
experience.
When living in a free, perverted and corrupt
Western society, the Muslim male youth finds
many temptations and tests, as a result of
mixing with females, which he must face and
overcome. He must constantly resist these
temptations, which are thrown at him in the
streets, on the media, and at work. And so the
wisdom of the Prophet (s.a.w) echoes on,when he
said: "O young men, those among you who can
support a wife should marry, for it restrains
the eyes from casting (evil glances), and
preserves one from immorality..."
When seriously considering marriage, you must
pose the question to yourself as to just what
kind of wife you want, what her qualities should
be in order to establish an Islamic and peaceful
household, and how you will know who she is. As
Muslims, we believe that Allaah wants the best
for us, and that His Prophet (s.a.w) illustrated
this through his own life. So note that by
following the advise of our own Creator, and
that of His beloved servant, we can only be
successful.
WHO TO MARRY Islam is clear on the kind of wife
you should be seeking. The Prophet (s.a.w) said:
"A woman may be married for four reasons: for
her property, her status, her beauty, and her
religion; so try to get one who is religious,
may you be blessed." This specifically defines
just what kind of a companion we are seeking,
for if we marry her for anything other than her
religious piety, our marriage is bound to fall
into misery. True, beauty and charm is hard to
resist, yet beauty does not last forever and
does not guarantee you her obedience and
religiousness. Financial status is dynamic, and
so is worldly status, yet religion strongly
establishes a household, and it may be that
through your intention of marrying her for her
religion, the rest is given to you anyway.
In another hadith, the Prophet (s.a.w) said:
"The whole world is a provision, and the best
object of benefit of the world is the pious
woman." Imagine! Nothing in this world is as
valuable as a pious woman! This point has been
stressed many times by RasulAllaah (s.a.w), who
himself, when asked what three things he loved
the most, mentioned a pious woman. Once the
following ayah was revealed: "They who hoard up
gold and silver and do not spend it in the way
of Allaah, unto them give tidings of a painful
doom. On that day when it will (all) be heated
in the fire of Jahannam, and their foreheads and
flanks and their backs will be branded therewith
(and it will be said to them): 'Here is what you
hoarded for yourselves, now taste of what you
used to hoard' "[al-Taubah: 34-35]. Umar (r.a.a)
has been quoted to say that, when this ayah was
revealed, he approached the Prophet (s.a.w),
submitting that the ayah weighed heavily on the
minds of the Sahaba. RasulAllaah (s.a.w) replied
that the best thing to be treasured is the
devoted wife who causes pleasure when seen,
obeys orders instantly and takes full care of
herself and her husbands property when he is
away.
Abu Bakr once asked RasulAllaah (s.a.w) what was
the best thing to be treasured, and he (s.a.w)
replied: "the tongue in remembrance of Allaah,
the heart filled with thanks to Allaah, and a
pious wife who helps in virtuous deeds". Look at
how valuable such a woman is in the sight of
Allaah! How can a man live unhappily with such a
person.
QUALITIES OF THE PIOUS WOMAN Alright, you say,
you've convinced me, but what actually makes her
a pious woman? The answer is simple: Allaah
himself has described those qualities most loved
by Him in the Qur'an, and in the ahadith there
are numerous accounts of the virtuous attributes
of a pious woman. The following are some ayahs
on the attributes of the wife you should be
seeking, so note those fine and appreciative
qualities. The following are some ayahs on the
attributes of the wife you should be seeking, so
note those fine and appreciative qualities. "And
women of purity are for men of purity, and men
of purity are for women of purity"[s.24;v.26]
"Therefore the righteous women are devoutly
obedient, and guard in (the husbands) absence
what Allaah would have them guard"[s.4;v.34]
"It may be, if he divorced you (all), that
Allaah will give him in exchange consorts better
than you, who submit (Muslims), who believe, who
are devout, who turn to Allaah in repentance,
who worship (in humility), who travel (for
faith) and fast..."[s.66;v.5].
And then, in surah Ahzab, is a full list of
those qualities loved by Allaah, qualities which
by the way should be evident in both males and
females. So, my dear brother, choose her for the
following attributes:
-a Muslim woman
-a Muslim woman
-a believing woman
-a devout woman
-a true woman
-a woman who is patient and constant
-a woman who humbles herself
-a woman who gives charity
-a woman who fasts and denies herself
-a woman who guards her chastity
-a woman who engages much in Allaah's praise.
Among the four known perfect women was Maryam.
She was loved by Allaah because of her religious
qualities: "O Maryam! Worship your Lord:
prostrate yourself, and bow down (in prayer)
with those who bow down"[s.3;v.43]. Another was
the wife of Pharaoh: "And Allaah sets forth, as
an example to those who believe, the wife of
Pharaoh: behold she said: 'O my Lord, build for
me, in nearness to Thee, a mansion in the
Garden' "[s.66;v.11].
The Prophet (s.a.w) loved his wives because of
their religious qualities. Aisha once related
the fine qualities of Zainab: "(Zainab) was the
one who was somewhat equal in rank with me in
the eyes of Allaah's Messenger (s.a.w), and I
have never seen a woman more advanced in
religious piety than Zainab, more God-conscious,
more truthful, more alive to the ties of blood,
more generous and having more sense of
self-sacrifice in practical life and having more
charitable disposition and thus more closer to
Allaah, the Exalted, than her."
Ah, you think, but you'll never find such a
woman! Well, if that was true, Allaah would not
have described her in the first place, and
furthermore those qualities were emanating from
the women described above. Islam deals with
reality, not fiction. Sure, the perfect woman
doesn't exist, yet "if you take a dislike to
them, it may be that you dislike a thing, and
Allaah brings about through it a great deal of
good"[s.4;v.19]. Remember also that you are not
perfect either.
KNOWING WHO SHE IS
To find that pious woman, there are two steps to
be taken, and that first one relies on your
personal observation. In surah Nisaa, Allaah
asks the believing women that they should "lower
their gaze and guard their modesty; that they
should not display their beauty and ornaments,"
and also that they "should not strike their feet
in order to draw attention to their hidden
ornaments"[s.24;v.31]. If you notice a woman
acting modestly, being not too obvious through
her actions (by lowering her voice when around
men), one who attempts to hide her attractions
(which includes her external beauty as well as
her internal charms), then you know she has some
of those precious qualities. When you see a
woman unashamedly flirting, unconcerned about
her revealing clothes, and freely converses with
males- keep far, far away. I'm sure when you get
married you want your wife to devote her love to
you, not to twenty other "just good friends".
Through simple observation, you can get a
glimpse of her nature; for example, the way she
stands when conversing, how she maintains
eye-contact, her clothes, where she spends her
time etc. Look for her strong points, and don't
stress on her weak ones.
Yet, after all this, we still have to come to
the most important topic. You can look all you
want at her, set a private investigator to track
her Yet, after all this, we still have to come
to the most important topic. You can look all
you want at her, set a private investigator to
track her movements, read her diaries (all of
which I consider extreme and unIslamic), yet, my
dear brother, no-one knows her heart and
intentions, no-one knows whether she will turn
sour or more religious, or whether you are
suitable for each other, except for Allaah.
TRUST IN Allaah
We are choosing our wife for her permanent
values; namely her religious devotions, moral
integrity, character etc. But believe me, if we
try ourselves to combine a marriage, we are
almost sure to fail, because we have no
knowledge.
Allaah loves a servant when he puts his trust in
Him. When we do so, it is illustrating how we
rely upon Him for help, and proving our
sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognize
His infinite knowledge and wisdom. illustrating
how we rely upon Him for help, and proving our
sincerity to Him, establishing that we recognize
His infinite knowledge and wisdom. Islam is
likened to being as a house, and in my
estimation nothing cements that house together
as well as putting our trust in Allaah. It is
related on the authority of Jabir ibn 'Abdullah
that the Prophet (s.a.w) used to teach his
companions to seek, through a special du'a
(known as an istikharah), the guidance of Allaah
in all matters which affected them. RasulAllaah
(s.a.w) said: "When you are confused about what
you should do in a certain situation, then pray
two rak'at of nafl salaat and read the following
du'a (du'a of istikharah)."
I am surprised at the criticisms thrown at this
du'a, and of its negligence. We are humans,
powerless in this sphere of life, knowledgeable
only enough to survive. So why shouldn't we turn
to Allaah and seek His perfect help whenever we
require it? Allaah responds to the call of His
servant when he asks for guidance, and we are
after all seeking to do something in order to
please Him.
Many wrong notions exist concerning istikharah.
Many Muslims will pray, read the du'a, and run
to bed expecting to see a dream showing them
their future wife, what her favorite color is,
and some other weird fantasy. That is not the
purpose of this salaat.
The results of an istikharah can take many
forms. Basically, you go by your feelings, (i.e.
you think about everything carefully and then
make a decision ) . Also, you may notice events
have changed, either for or against you - so you
re-evaluate your situation again - and perhaps
your decision might change. Finally, as a
wonderful gift from Allaah, you may be blessed
with a dream.
The Prophet (s.a.w) once sent Zainab a proposal
of marriage. She refused to accept the proposal
straight away, expressing her intention to refer
the matter to Allaah: "I do not do anything
until I solicit the will of my Lord." Allaah,
the Responsive, answered her plea for help and
revealed an ayah approving of the marriage. We
may seem shocked at her refusal to accept a
proposal from what is the best husband any woman
can have, yet she was just recognizing that it
is Allaah who knows how successful such a
marriage will be, and as a sign of appreciation,
that reply is now preserved in our Holy Book: al
Qur'an.
The Prophet (s.a.w) once said to Aisha: "I saw
you in a dream for three nights when an angel
brought you to me in a silk cloth and he said:
'Here is your wife', and when I removed (the
cloth) from your face, lo, it was yourself, so I
said: 'if this is from Allaah, let Him carry it
out' ". Marriage is a serious step, and requires
the right attitude. If marriage completes half
our faith, shouldn't that half be the best half?
A woman married for the wrong reasons can only
weaken the Muslim household. Consider that she
will be your life-long companion, the rarer of
your children. Don't marry her for her worldly
wealth, but for her wealth in Islamic wisdom and
knowledge. Her status in this life is but
illusionary, so choose her for her status in the
sight of Allaah. Beauty is but superficial, but
the beauty of Iman is transcendent. When asking
Allaah for a wife, call upon Him by His
beautiful names, as He has commanded us: "For
Allaah are certain and dignified names:
therefore call upon Him by them"[s.7;v.189]. Ask
for a companion who is devout, pious, patient
and so on. Be among those who say: "Our Lord,
may our spouses and our offspring be a joy to
our eyes and make us leaders of the
righteous"[al-Furqan,74]. I cannot provide a
better conclusion than saying that you must put
your trust in Allaah. You must have trust in His
concern for us, and His ability to help us.
Allaah says: "Put your trust in Allaah, for
Allaah loves those who put their trust in
Him"[s.3;v.159]. May Allaah help us in our
sincere efforts in following His commandments
and the way of His beloved servant, and provide
us with wives whom He loves.
"When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am
indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer
of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let
them also, with a will, listen to my call, and
believe in Me: that they may walk in the right
way"[al-Baqarah,v.186]
